Archive for October, 2004

Then there was silence…

October 15, 2004 Leave a comment

I was watching Joan of Arcadia the other day. It really is a pretty good show. In the season finale last year, Joan experienced something new and scary. God became silent. As I watched, I wondered what that must feel like.

I don’t know, in some ways, I feel like He is silent now. Don’t get the wrong impression. I know He is near and that He hears me. I even feel His presence at times. I desire…I strive to feel his presence. But in my current jobless struggle I want to hear Him. I want to do what He wants me to do.

So what have I done? Well, I have applied for lots and lots of positions but with each passing day my confidence and self-esteem are taking blows like those quick, hard jabs to the body that aren’t really noticeable but hurt deep inside.

I am so conflicted because my heart is to be with my kids. After traveling for so long (and missing many of Trey’s growing years) I really felt God leading me to change directions in my life/career. That is why I didn’t take the job they offered me when UA merged with Regal. Now, I question if that was the right decision. (On the other hand, I know that I am in a place now in my relationship with God and my family that I would not be if I had continued with UA.) So the past really doesn’t matter, I guess. What’s done is done and I can’t change that. So now, I go forward into the darkness and just hope for the best.

Last night, I told a friend, “If I ain’t got faith, I’d have nothing.” That is so true. Is that what I am meant to learn? I know God is near but I just can’t seem to hear Him. It seems that in this moment on this issue He is silent. Why?

Categories: Family, Religion, Television